the struggle

The struggle to remain strong always proves to be daunting. To smile, to laugh the fascade created to simulate happiness

 It hurts to hurt and to act like your hurt is a void emotion,........ not worthy.

Why cant I hurt aloud, and let the pain run through me?

 Why must I, for the sake of others hypocrisy keep the very thing that makes me ME enslaved?

       Then define passion- and truthfulness to oneself

I hate nothing more than when people use psuedo-spiritual methods as a means of alleviation.

It is not an analgesic.

NO It does not make me feel better.

It does not take away my pain.

 I AM NOT OK

STOP!

 Allow me to face reality, and face it with me.

   "there are many things to be grateful for"

   "there are people in worse situations"

                              YES

                          HOWEVER!!

all those "blessings" in comparison to my current state of mind is irrelevant. 

   Don't make me feel less than-greedy or ungrateful just because I'm caught up by my lifes waves. 

     my heart yearns a realistic- a tangible solution- not some fairytale (All is well)

              

part 1

Every woman has a dream. For some it usually involves a man, some kids, a house, maybe a dog, maybe a fish, and lots of love. But what do you do when your dream just stays a dream and refuses to realize?
   There are certain things you cannot force. I figure that's the reason why life is so maliable; when the going gets tough, put some heat on and re-bend the fuck outa it. 
             My baby sister said something last week that touched me, when discussing about her former crush, she said "I dont care for someone who doesnt care for me" If she at 16 can get that, why cant I at 22 see the same thing? Life is hard only because we make it to be. We constantly surround ourselves with things that bring us down. I was created to be appreciated, to e happy, to be loved- and I guess anything short of that, of true happiness, is -- wrong? an insult?-- I don't know what word to use; all I know is that it's just not right,
                           letting go is hard, feeling stupid sucks, but we have to let go in order to move ahead...

back2basics

E don tey well well-

        I kinda missed writing here, although I did get my releases elsewhere. 

Just to let y'all know, things have been better. There is light at the end of that dark tunnel

   and the best part is that I am heading right towards it.

I realized that my life is worth living, and I am going to live it to the fullest..

     No one said its going to be easy

but it sure aint impossible

               

   so trust and believe that no matter what

                      I will maintain

between the 2 C's

Today has been on and off, seriously on and off. I went on two walks today just to air off my head. It sucks that all my writing have to sound depressing, honestly I don't mean for them to. I do wish to have a post that will make anyone (if any one does read this) to smile... anyway...
     It's been hard, cant seem to put my finger on one particular thing, the job thing isn't working much, the studying? HA! that isn't making much headway either, I'm stuck between confusion and the confused... 
       You know when you are not happy, no matter what you do, how much you beautify yourself, how many walks you take, no matter how much you drink or smoke, no matter your exit, it will always be closed until you find the root of your unhappiness. 
                I think I am slowly figuring out what is making me feel so sad, what is taking away my joy, what is depressing me... but finding it is only half the battle- this has been a war, an ongoing war that has been taking over me, like a virus...once I find out what the problem is, I need to put mind body and soul together, we need to become one and fight.. we need to join forces with He who is all powerful and cast whatever it is back where it came from....
                 its time I did some cleansing, its high time.....

para mi esposo; te amo mucho

This song made me miss my husby like crazy, until I actually sat and listened to the words... I mean, its not bad, but it wasn't what I thought it was ... the chorus is sweet though
    - where ever you are, Remember me, in whatever you do, I love you-


Lucky Dube -Remember me-
(She misses him)

light

Yesterday I didn't write on here and I really wanted to, so much so that I dreamt about it all through the the night. I have been feeling better, although here and there I could get a little glum, but all in all... i've been ok... I can say that I have been happy. All I need now is to buckle down and study.... GRE in almost a month... eghk :-/

hug

Today has come and gone,
   It was ehhhh, not great, but not bad...
Tomorrow I will go for a long walk, hopefully it will help me clear all the thoughts that have piled up from the night before. 
           Why is being me so hard? I mean, its soo....hmmm
its exhausting, and not in a great way..  
    Tomorrow I want to wake up with  smile on my face, I want to smile, from the bottom of my heart. 
                         somebody-something-some spirit, please give me a hug