between the 2 C's

Today has been on and off, seriously on and off. I went on two walks today just to air off my head. It sucks that all my writing have to sound depressing, honestly I don't mean for them to. I do wish to have a post that will make anyone (if any one does read this) to smile... anyway...
     It's been hard, cant seem to put my finger on one particular thing, the job thing isn't working much, the studying? HA! that isn't making much headway either, I'm stuck between confusion and the confused... 
       You know when you are not happy, no matter what you do, how much you beautify yourself, how many walks you take, no matter how much you drink or smoke, no matter your exit, it will always be closed until you find the root of your unhappiness. 
                I think I am slowly figuring out what is making me feel so sad, what is taking away my joy, what is depressing me... but finding it is only half the battle- this has been a war, an ongoing war that has been taking over me, like a virus...once I find out what the problem is, I need to put mind body and soul together, we need to become one and fight.. we need to join forces with He who is all powerful and cast whatever it is back where it came from....
                 its time I did some cleansing, its high time.....

para mi esposo; te amo mucho

This song made me miss my husby like crazy, until I actually sat and listened to the words... I mean, its not bad, but it wasn't what I thought it was ... the chorus is sweet though
    - where ever you are, Remember me, in whatever you do, I love you-


Lucky Dube -Remember me-
(She misses him)

light

Yesterday I didn't write on here and I really wanted to, so much so that I dreamt about it all through the the night. I have been feeling better, although here and there I could get a little glum, but all in all... i've been ok... I can say that I have been happy. All I need now is to buckle down and study.... GRE in almost a month... eghk :-/

hug

Today has come and gone,
   It was ehhhh, not great, but not bad...
Tomorrow I will go for a long walk, hopefully it will help me clear all the thoughts that have piled up from the night before. 
           Why is being me so hard? I mean, its soo....hmmm
its exhausting, and not in a great way..  
    Tomorrow I want to wake up with  smile on my face, I want to smile, from the bottom of my heart. 
                         somebody-something-some spirit, please give me a hug

and again

Today is Sunday
     another week has started
I wonder how it will be-
   I am really scared and really anxious to enter into it
I wish they had free counseling services..
 its like I am the Doctor and the patient at the same time
  I wish I can go through this week without ONE spasm (wishful thinking) 
but on a serious note, I would like to stay positive for like 5 hours straight. 
        All this congests my heart, it add extra stress to it, it beats 5,000 times faster...
this is the most painful most heartbreaking way to die.... 
           this is called a slow and painful death
I need to be lifted out of this low, I know that there is SOMETHING out there that can give me inspiration
I just wish I can see it- or at least have an idea of what it is... 

scale

Today I woke up and prayed- I mean, its not a first, but with the chain of events, I felt that I needed to dedicate this day to the Lord for a change. Lets see what will happen if He takes control. Here is how my prayer went
 "Dear Lord,
let it be just me and you today, every other thing aside, I just want it to be me and you, you and I..."
    It helped a bit, I mean granted I still had like a million and three thoughts bombarding their way in and out my mind, I was able to control the amount of time I spent on each. 
   I still caught minor anxiety spasms (I call them spasms, because they are not attacks, but they do send a shock through me which totally and completely leaves me disoriented)
We learned about compromise in church today, how we should either be black or white, and not gray.... I remember when I would settle for nothing less than a 8-9-10 day (on a scale of 1-10 where 1 is the worst day, and 10 being the best) now if I can even get my day to a 2.5 I will be so happy. I mean today wasn't that bad you know, it was "OK". On a scale of one to ten, I'd give it a 4 which is a MAJOR improvement from the negatives tens I have been having for the past two weeks. The thing is that the problem is coming from inside, I am having the WORST relapses, like I cant stop thinking negative. Everything is a negative thought to me. I cant help it, I see everything as bad, I read everything as harmful, I am paranoid about everybody and everything. It kind of sucks, because I cant live my life the way I want to, always looking behind my shoulder, always dodging from bullets that don't exist. mmmmm... 
   -You know what I need?  I need a high, not a drug high, a natural high.... something that will make me feel good I need to go to this alternate universe and escape... get away from everything, be free, be me.... I want to float, close my eyes and allow the current to carry me where ever it wants to-
            When will all these feelings end? Its making me...
   it's just not healthy, 
  

every other Caps

I am who I am 

   Who am I?

I am this in and out person

filled with the craziest and unstable thoughts

   Highly emotional am I, but full of humor too (so I think)

opinions matter much to me (working of that)

  LOVE to LOVE

I hate drama, but I HAVE to speak my mind- (its like a MUST)

    will GLADLY put you and your mother in y'all place if you cross me "J" (TRUST ME)

highly opinionated- but very open minded

   surface conservative- closeted liberal (like EXTREME liberal)

STUPIDLY jealous- like I can KILL if you tamper with my property (yes including people)

  sometimes, the world just HAS to revolve around me.. and when it doesn't... I throw a FIT!!

attention makes me glow.. but too much gets ANNOYING!

I need a constant release/exit.. and trust me- I get it (when I don't.. its like UGHK) -{release may not be what you think}

        I have the most sanguine approach to things (its REALLY bad)

I don't have a hobby- (jack of all trades)

....... other than my crazy lows (which can get serious at times) 

   I LOVE ME- I'm so different.....