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Today I woke up and prayed- I mean, its not a first, but with the chain of events, I felt that I needed to dedicate this day to the Lord for a change. Lets see what will happen if He takes control. Here is how my prayer went
 "Dear Lord,
let it be just me and you today, every other thing aside, I just want it to be me and you, you and I..."
    It helped a bit, I mean granted I still had like a million and three thoughts bombarding their way in and out my mind, I was able to control the amount of time I spent on each. 
   I still caught minor anxiety spasms (I call them spasms, because they are not attacks, but they do send a shock through me which totally and completely leaves me disoriented)
We learned about compromise in church today, how we should either be black or white, and not gray.... I remember when I would settle for nothing less than a 8-9-10 day (on a scale of 1-10 where 1 is the worst day, and 10 being the best) now if I can even get my day to a 2.5 I will be so happy. I mean today wasn't that bad you know, it was "OK". On a scale of one to ten, I'd give it a 4 which is a MAJOR improvement from the negatives tens I have been having for the past two weeks. The thing is that the problem is coming from inside, I am having the WORST relapses, like I cant stop thinking negative. Everything is a negative thought to me. I cant help it, I see everything as bad, I read everything as harmful, I am paranoid about everybody and everything. It kind of sucks, because I cant live my life the way I want to, always looking behind my shoulder, always dodging from bullets that don't exist. mmmmm... 
   -You know what I need?  I need a high, not a drug high, a natural high.... something that will make me feel good I need to go to this alternate universe and escape... get away from everything, be free, be me.... I want to float, close my eyes and allow the current to carry me where ever it wants to-
            When will all these feelings end? Its making me...
   it's just not healthy,