part 1

Every woman has a dream. For some it usually involves a man, some kids, a house, maybe a dog, maybe a fish, and lots of love. But what do you do when your dream just stays a dream and refuses to realize?
   There are certain things you cannot force. I figure that's the reason why life is so maliable; when the going gets tough, put some heat on and re-bend the fuck outa it. 
             My baby sister said something last week that touched me, when discussing about her former crush, she said "I dont care for someone who doesnt care for me" If she at 16 can get that, why cant I at 22 see the same thing? Life is hard only because we make it to be. We constantly surround ourselves with things that bring us down. I was created to be appreciated, to e happy, to be loved- and I guess anything short of that, of true happiness, is -- wrong? an insult?-- I don't know what word to use; all I know is that it's just not right,
                           letting go is hard, feeling stupid sucks, but we have to let go in order to move ahead...

back2basics

E don tey well well-

        I kinda missed writing here, although I did get my releases elsewhere. 

Just to let y'all know, things have been better. There is light at the end of that dark tunnel

   and the best part is that I am heading right towards it.

I realized that my life is worth living, and I am going to live it to the fullest..

     No one said its going to be easy

but it sure aint impossible

               

   so trust and believe that no matter what

                      I will maintain

between the 2 C's

Today has been on and off, seriously on and off. I went on two walks today just to air off my head. It sucks that all my writing have to sound depressing, honestly I don't mean for them to. I do wish to have a post that will make anyone (if any one does read this) to smile... anyway...
     It's been hard, cant seem to put my finger on one particular thing, the job thing isn't working much, the studying? HA! that isn't making much headway either, I'm stuck between confusion and the confused... 
       You know when you are not happy, no matter what you do, how much you beautify yourself, how many walks you take, no matter how much you drink or smoke, no matter your exit, it will always be closed until you find the root of your unhappiness. 
                I think I am slowly figuring out what is making me feel so sad, what is taking away my joy, what is depressing me... but finding it is only half the battle- this has been a war, an ongoing war that has been taking over me, like a virus...once I find out what the problem is, I need to put mind body and soul together, we need to become one and fight.. we need to join forces with He who is all powerful and cast whatever it is back where it came from....
                 its time I did some cleansing, its high time.....

para mi esposo; te amo mucho

This song made me miss my husby like crazy, until I actually sat and listened to the words... I mean, its not bad, but it wasn't what I thought it was ... the chorus is sweet though
    - where ever you are, Remember me, in whatever you do, I love you-


Lucky Dube -Remember me-
(She misses him)

light

Yesterday I didn't write on here and I really wanted to, so much so that I dreamt about it all through the the night. I have been feeling better, although here and there I could get a little glum, but all in all... i've been ok... I can say that I have been happy. All I need now is to buckle down and study.... GRE in almost a month... eghk :-/

hug

Today has come and gone,
   It was ehhhh, not great, but not bad...
Tomorrow I will go for a long walk, hopefully it will help me clear all the thoughts that have piled up from the night before. 
           Why is being me so hard? I mean, its soo....hmmm
its exhausting, and not in a great way..  
    Tomorrow I want to wake up with  smile on my face, I want to smile, from the bottom of my heart. 
                         somebody-something-some spirit, please give me a hug

and again

Today is Sunday
     another week has started
I wonder how it will be-
   I am really scared and really anxious to enter into it
I wish they had free counseling services..
 its like I am the Doctor and the patient at the same time
  I wish I can go through this week without ONE spasm (wishful thinking) 
but on a serious note, I would like to stay positive for like 5 hours straight. 
        All this congests my heart, it add extra stress to it, it beats 5,000 times faster...
this is the most painful most heartbreaking way to die.... 
           this is called a slow and painful death
I need to be lifted out of this low, I know that there is SOMETHING out there that can give me inspiration
I just wish I can see it- or at least have an idea of what it is... 

scale

Today I woke up and prayed- I mean, its not a first, but with the chain of events, I felt that I needed to dedicate this day to the Lord for a change. Lets see what will happen if He takes control. Here is how my prayer went
 "Dear Lord,
let it be just me and you today, every other thing aside, I just want it to be me and you, you and I..."
    It helped a bit, I mean granted I still had like a million and three thoughts bombarding their way in and out my mind, I was able to control the amount of time I spent on each. 
   I still caught minor anxiety spasms (I call them spasms, because they are not attacks, but they do send a shock through me which totally and completely leaves me disoriented)
We learned about compromise in church today, how we should either be black or white, and not gray.... I remember when I would settle for nothing less than a 8-9-10 day (on a scale of 1-10 where 1 is the worst day, and 10 being the best) now if I can even get my day to a 2.5 I will be so happy. I mean today wasn't that bad you know, it was "OK". On a scale of one to ten, I'd give it a 4 which is a MAJOR improvement from the negatives tens I have been having for the past two weeks. The thing is that the problem is coming from inside, I am having the WORST relapses, like I cant stop thinking negative. Everything is a negative thought to me. I cant help it, I see everything as bad, I read everything as harmful, I am paranoid about everybody and everything. It kind of sucks, because I cant live my life the way I want to, always looking behind my shoulder, always dodging from bullets that don't exist. mmmmm... 
   -You know what I need?  I need a high, not a drug high, a natural high.... something that will make me feel good I need to go to this alternate universe and escape... get away from everything, be free, be me.... I want to float, close my eyes and allow the current to carry me where ever it wants to-
            When will all these feelings end? Its making me...
   it's just not healthy, 
  

every other Caps

I am who I am 

   Who am I?

I am this in and out person

filled with the craziest and unstable thoughts

   Highly emotional am I, but full of humor too (so I think)

opinions matter much to me (working of that)

  LOVE to LOVE

I hate drama, but I HAVE to speak my mind- (its like a MUST)

    will GLADLY put you and your mother in y'all place if you cross me "J" (TRUST ME)

highly opinionated- but very open minded

   surface conservative- closeted liberal (like EXTREME liberal)

STUPIDLY jealous- like I can KILL if you tamper with my property (yes including people)

  sometimes, the world just HAS to revolve around me.. and when it doesn't... I throw a FIT!!

attention makes me glow.. but too much gets ANNOYING!

I need a constant release/exit.. and trust me- I get it (when I don't.. its like UGHK) -{release may not be what you think}

        I have the most sanguine approach to things (its REALLY bad)

I don't have a hobby- (jack of all trades)

....... other than my crazy lows (which can get serious at times) 

   I LOVE ME- I'm so different..... 

up

All my life, I have lived in this fairy tale. I have always thought things to be perfect, or have always wanted things to be perfect. I have always had this HIGH ambition and have always dreamt REALLY big. Now I realize that its all a waste of time, and as my fairy tale of a life comes crashing right before my eyes, I build up a new world... a world that is based on WHAT IS not WHAT CAN BE... because I am not certain of what can be.. but can bet my life on what I know for sure.... what is!
                     I guess I need to redirect.. redirect my everything. I need some structure in my life, I need to get rid of all the loose strings....
                        I need to learn to be either Hot or Cold... this lukewarm behaviour has not gotten me anywhere...
                Me? I am dissapointed
Me? I am hurt
   Me? I am..... well, lets just say
               Welcome to the world Akunna.. "we've been long expecting your arrival"
              

feelin like a hot carajo

Just watched Rihannas man down video.. and its hot. I mean it makes no bloody sense whatsoever, but at least its hot....

      So I am getting ready for my trip- I am MEGA EXCITED...will tell you exactly where I went when I get back.. just know its gon be HOT HOT HOT!!

         meanwhile- I'm feeling kinda "errghh" u know frisky-ish..feeling like standing ontop of the roof with a skimpy siwnsuit on with mhy hands to the heavens SCREAMING AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I need to let it off... I need to RELEASE!!

                                                      ...my thoughts are EVERYWHERE TODAY!!

but I shall

            maintain-maintain-maintain

US

It's been a while,

     went to a wedding yesterday, and makes me want my own, not just the wedding but the marriage. Can't wait to set my eyes on my HIM! can't wait for him and I to be US. :)

          

a thank you to all my heartbeats!

This is to all the people who love me but hate me, who cant stand the sight of me, who walk the other way just to avoid me, who wait outside until i'm out of the bathroom, this is for all the people who roll their eyes at me, who sit around the table to talk talk talk about me, this is for all the people who forget to pray for me, who wish that something bad will happen to me, who suck their teeth when they hear my name- whose heart sinks deep when I smile- whose heart fills with joy when I cry, this is for all the people who wish my failure to be as promising as death, this is for all the people who go thru my facebook DAILY wanting sooo badly what I wear..this is for the people who go out of their way to combat my status updates.. who like all the DUMBEST BULLSHIT just to prove a point.. who feel that they are the EPITOME of wisdom.. this is to all my fans and followers who run ahead of me just to get stuck.. forever... this is for all the people who dream about me- about my wedding day hoping and praying that my a woman will stand up in the crowd and say that my husband got her pregnant.. 
       for all the WONDERFUL PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO swear you dont give a shit about me... y'all know y'all secretly root for Akunna.... and for that I say
             FUCK YOU! yup!! ALL OF YOU! keep rooting though! It's what keeps me going.. but still.. FUCK you regardless... doubled faced pieces of grimy idle shit.. keep disturbing your lives with thoughts of Akunna ya? disturb belle full! fuckn idiots! MSCHEW! 

New every morning

You know what I want to do? 

I want to go the beach... take off my shoes... and walk along the side of the water.. 

for about 2 hours.... or until the sun begins to set

after walking, I want to sit right on that soft sand... 

fold my legs in.. and watch the water rustle swiftly as the sun goes night night... 

I want to right my worries on little pieces of paper... and drop a tear as I seal each one... 

I want to put them all in a basket.. light it..then set it to the sea....

        I want it to float upon the water....go far.. leave... away from me...

 I want to turn my back and let the wind wipe my tears... 

I want to feel... this peace..this tranquility...

                  You know what I want to do?

 I want my troubles and aches to set each day like the Sun.. 

                        and my happiness rise anew... 

                           I want to live

PeterGriffin Lullaby

I am home and I am tired- it has been a LONG day! Two finals- had to pack- then a CRAZY drive. I am happy to see everybody though. It makes me feel all warm inside when I see their faces!!
I AM TIRED!!!! like DRAINED! last day of undergrad..I know I should be bouncing off the walls, but I don't have the least bit of energy for any of that. So remember when I told you guys that I was not excited about graduating? ( I still am not) but I decided ( to TRY) to put all the negative behind me and move on- move ahead.
                I wish  feel the happiness that other people are feeling. I wish I can look at that gown and say "WOW" but I cant....
        ughk- I'm tooooooo tired to type tonight... so i'll let Peter Griffin and his WONDERFUL family lull me to sleep with their sweet satire and sexual ambiguity..... till next I type
                         maintain-maintain-maintain.......

triple D

Why is it that people are so fake? Why cant people be true to who and what they really are? It irritates me, it irritates me more when outsiders don't see the pretense. It irritates me when people walk around acting like their shit don't stink... it irritates me to know that there are people out there who don't mind destroying another persons reputation. It irritates me to know that not everybody harbors positive feelings in their heart, and that some people are just naturally wicked. If I had my way- I would wipe off ALL said individuals... and not the snap of a finger wipe off- the excruciatingly painful wipe-off. the kind of wipe off that will not only eradicate their physical being but also their ghosts..... if only I had my way... but once again, we are faced with reality... the world is not at my beck and call... and even if it were, and I did have that power... who would remain??? UGHK 

              another one of random thoughts   the human race disappoints-disgusts-disturbs me- but still I shall 

    MAINTAIN-MAINTAIN-MAINTAIN

the same thing

As it all comes to an end, I am overwhelmed with a million different feelings. Well, in all honesty, they are not that different, they are actually all in the same category. I feel disappointed (in myself) I feel like a let down, even though I have this degree I have accomplished nothing. I am confused and of distraught mind. I dont know whether to cry everyday or to keep pretending that everything is and will be ok. My future is soo undetermined and that is the most painful aspect of all. Everything I have planned for myself I did not one. For some reason I lack motivation to reach my goals. I am about to graduate and I should be excited, but I am sad (for lack of a better word) I feel like drowning myself in my own tears, but what will that accomplish? NOTHING....

                                    I am trying to maintain... but times like this....it is proving to be .....

Suzie W.

It was a HELL of a night. One of mi amigas (---------) celebrated her 21st and it was really and truly something else. We went to the city, this hot spot "Suzie Wong" Its pretty inside... but MEGA loud!! Everyone got loose and did them... people were twerking and jerkin, grindin, poppin, droppin, dry fucking everything...... The drinks were free (we got a hook up) so alcohol played a MAJOR role in it for some, for others they were just having a good time. All in all- it was a pretty good night. Yours truly did not drink... but I did have my share of "innocent" fun.... 
 now we're back in school- its 6:18 in the AM and I am TIRED!!!!
      Guess I may post a pic or two later on
             till then
     MAINTAIN-MAINTAIN-MAINTAIN

Intro-du-nkowa ;)

I just deleted my FB account and I feel REALLY GOOD. I mean at first it was a bit weird, still is kinda, but i'll get used to it.  ANYWHO....... So this is blogspot huh? quite interesting. I've spent like two hours tryna customize it to fit ME. I have been partially successful. I am excited to start things on here. 
     by the way- I'm Akunna.... and I have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH to share. I just hope I wont be a sanguine about this,'would really like to be faithful to this whole blog thing.
       sooo ummm yeaaaaa..... I hope I get some followers, if I do..GREAT! if not then HEY ba wahala... it'll be my outlet... just me myself and I
               be back soon
                 till then
        maintain-maintain-maintain